You might think, based upon the title, that this blog entry is going to be an explanation of what I have been doing in the period of my 6-month plus radio silence.
You are wrong.
Instead, I am going to talk about two of my least favorite words in the English language.
These two innocent words can be so sneaky when used together.
You see, I like to shop.
No…I LOVE to shop.
My husband does not understand this at all.
To him shopping is not a pastime. It is a necessary evil. Like pumping gas or standing in line at the post office.
He just does not understand.
He does not understand the thrill of the hunt. He does not understand the heart-pumping excitement of finding an item that one has been stalking for months on the (be still my heart!) CLEARANCE RACK! Marked down! And with a big sign that really gets one’s blood up – 50% OFF! Fifty percent! 50%! 5-0! OFF! One of the BEST phrases in the English language! Why, they will have to practically pay us to take the object of our hunt! WE CANNOT LET THIS GET AWAY!
My husband just does not understand how this experience feeds some primitive need — serves some primal instinct.
Like the lioness on the African savannah, we circle our prey, slowly, stealthily, careful to not alert any of the surrounding predators of our target.
And then …. we pounce. We have it!
We have captured our elusive prey! We have winnowed out the weak member of the herd! The one that is 50% off!
We proudly carry our catch up to the cashier (well, not in our mouths like a lioness, but still with the same air of satisfaction in having achieved our ultimate, inborn, carnal purpose).
And then … up to.
Not 50% off.
UP TO 50% off.
We have been outflanked.
Our prey is not the weak, 50% off link we had thought. Our prey is a decoy. It is only 25% off. The prey gets away (because there is no way we will make a purchase at less than 50% off), like a gazelle bounding away across the plain, free to be stalked again on another day. And the lioness prowls home to her den, empty-handed, muttering “Up to! Grrrrrr.”
This is why I hate the phrase “Up to.”
And still, due to my long absence you might be compelled to ask, “What have you been up to?”
Isn’t it obvious?
I have been at the mall.